Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008) - I would suggest that we let this series die now. Of course, I realize that no film producer worth his salt would let a successful franchise die, especially when you've got Shia "The Beef" lined up to fill in for your desiccated celebrity. Here's a compromise: make one more movie, but in it, Harrison Ford must be the one who crumbles away to dust.

Fantastic Parasuicides (2007) -
"Hanging Tough" - Seriously, South Korea,
"Fly Away, Chicken" - what the fucking
"Happy Birthday" - helling hell?

Must remember to check back later for a proper imdb link. Not that koreanmovie.com isn't a valid source, nor that I would consider myself racist, but after what I've seen, I just don't know what to think of Korea. I suspect I'll forget most of what I saw until one day, some art-house hipster makes me watch it. Then, it'll all come together and make sense upon a second viewing.

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian - A single drop of Adam's blood, and not one drop more! I'm willing to suspend my disbelief for a talking mouse with a sword, but when said mouse slashes said sword across your throat, there ought to be some blood. Rightfully, that mouse's biggest problem at the end should have been that he was so caked with others' blood that he couldn't move. I will compromise: I'll lower my expectations of blood to a simple puddle of blood here and there if you will grant me that living creatures actually have something running in their veins.

And I wonder: in a world where animals talk and trees are sentient, and said creatures are allies of the humans, why would anything ever be made of wood or leather? Even if they alllow their stock to die of natural causes before working it into clothing and tools, it's got to be socially awkward. For the record, I never want to attend a party and find that the divan is made of my grandmother.

Iron Man (2008) - When I see Jeff Bridges in a technological-wonderland movie, I expect to see him glow at the seams, if just once. I also would have accepted a light-cycle race or an exclamation of "Oh, my user!"

Anyway, I'm over it. Despite that one deficiency, this was a very good movie. I'm not a comic book guy, I'm not much for action movies, but this one was good. The plot was a little plodding, but it served an important purpose: to develop characters and let the actors act a bit. You hear me, The Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, get some actors!

Sordid Lives (2000) - I'm sure this worked as a stage play. I'm sure it would have worked as a film with a budget and a severe rewrite. The actors (though not all of them) were all that was salvageable in this film. I don't know if there's an illegal way to make a movie in the US, but if there were, Del Shores would probably be burned at the stake. Available lighting is for witches and Lars von Trier.

Volver (2006) - The ending of this movie was pretty predictable. The fun came in the unpredictable shifts in genre: first a buddy/chick flick, then a supernatural thriller without the thrills, then a European art film, a chick flick again, and finally a Scooby Doo Mystery.

Maurice (1987) - Over two hours of dry, English, gay lovin'. It's as exhausting and uncomfortable as it sounds. At least it wasn't the usual gay movie fare; no wonder it was the only gay-interest movie Netflix was willing to recommend to me.

Unknown White Male (2005) - That guy sure was lucky he turned out to be wealthy. His later apathy seems to me a product of that affluence. It must be nice to be completely--and I mean completely--independent.

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001) - A competent and hilarious spoof of the grindhouse genre. Better even than Deathproof. But of course, a kick in the balls is better than Deathproof.

New Lent rule! After every Lent party someone must get arrested. Do not take this as advocating criminal behavior. Take it only as saying it'd be pretty awesome if all the Lent parties could be that fun.

Summer Stock (1950) - After my poor review of Gay Purr-ee, I was on gay probation. I had to watch this to restore my credentials. This, it turns out, is one of those quintessential gay ol' musicals, as if you didn't know. My favorite song was "Dig-Dig-Dig Dig For Your Dinner" in which a troupe of actors sing and dance about how actors should do something productive for society instead of just singing and dancing.

There will be spillover after Lent, of course. I still have a Netflix account, and by no means will I stop watching movies. So be sure to stay tuned (or however it is you operate this word machine) after Lent. I might even have something entirely original to say.

The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951) - Ha ha ha ha ha! Choke on that, Earth! You guys are dicks! Gort, Klaatu barata nikto, baby!

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (Das Cabinet des Dr. Caligari, 1920) - Now that's how you make weird, German film. Today's weird, German filmmakers just don't understand this weird, lost art.

The Conversation (1974) - If I'm ever again going to watch a movie so dependant on sound, it'd be nice to have some relative silence. But no, that neighbor dog will never goddamn shut the fuck up. Anyway, I had the ending of this ruined for me by the text book from my film class, but it was still worth watching.

Sunset Blvd. (1950) - I can't decide if the dialogue is especially clever or among the worst crap ever. The voice-over, though one of the most famous things from this picture, was completely unnecessary. Especially after a certain point where the story had been set up already, I found myself wishing the narrator would just shut the hell up and let the action onscreen speak for itself. On the other hand, this could be a clever technique demonstrating what a hack the writer character is, and comparing the modern talkies with the old silent films. Norma Desmond even says there's too much dialogue in movies today, and this one is determined to make me agree with her.

And speaking of hack writers who stumble upon eccentric older women who dote upon them, I'm going to be published for the first time ever. Well, I suppose this journal is a form of publication, but what I mean is that for the first time, someone read my stuff and said to me, "I want to pay a printer to print that and bind it in a paper thingy." It's only the literary magazine at a community college, but they insist that they're a respectable publication, and I choose to believe that. I'll post a link to the story once it's up.

Persepolis (2007) - It is a rare biography that I actually enjoy. This is one of them.

Om Shanti Om (2007) - An orignal love story with classic themes of destiny and justice. I'd like to see this in English, or at least with better subtitles. I'm not sure if it would work well as an American production, so let's hope no one ever adapts it. See the original, it's worth it.

Horton Hears a Who! (2008) - I didn't expect much from this movie. The last Seuss adaptation I saw was unimpressive, as have been most of the Jim Carrey movies I've seen. And when on the billboards, the stars' names are as big as or bigger than the actual title of the movie, it's a bad sign. I'm totally with Billy West in decrying this trend of big-ticket celebrity voices when a regular voice actor could do a great job for much less money. Hell, most experienced voice actors can voice several characters, saving you even more money.

But while this movie could have saved a lot of trouble, the cast they did have was adequate. Not great, but what can you do? The script stays pretty much on-point with minimal plot fluffing, but with disturbing undertones of religious zealotry and without taking a clear side for or against it.

The Killing Fields (1984) - I'm pretty sure I've reviewed a horrors-of-war movie before. Just insert that review here.

Watch this one if you want to see Sam Waterston before he became a wobbly-headed old D.A., Craig T. Nelson before he became a nobody again, and John Malkovich before he became- well, I guess John Malkovich was always like that.

Eastern Promises (2007) - Yes, I did get to see Viggo Mortensen naked, but he was being stabbed. I think I can manage to find nude celebrities who aren't covered in blood.

Planet of the Apes (1968) - I have found evidence in the Forbidden Zone which suggests Charlton Heston once made a film that supported fairly progressive ideas. You must believe me, he wasn't always entirely insane.

Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea (1961) - So, let me see if I can understand the premise. The Van Allen Belt, a ring of unknown gas around the Earth, catches fire, and the only way to fix it is to take a submarine to the Mariana Trench and fire a missile up in order to overload the Van Allen Belt and explode it outward. I got that right, right?

I'm gonna save you all some trouble. Joan Fontaine gets a fatal dose of radiation, is revealed as the saboteur, and is eaten by a shark all in a thirty-second span.

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004) - Just before I watched this movie, I finished reading the textbook for my film class. After everything I've learned about the production of film, all I can say about this is that it's certainly not meant to be watched sober, which I completely am.

In the Valley of Elah (2007) - Paul Haggis has yet to employ subtlety. Watching the works of Paul Haggis is like being run over with a steam roller because someone thought you could stand to be a little flatter.

The Thin Blue Line (1988) - Note to self: Don't go to Texas. Don't pick up a stranger on the road. Don't talk to unstable sixteen-year-olds. Don't associate with future murderers. Stay the hell out of Texas.

Deep Throat (1972) - Better than I expected, but I'm glad it was only an hour long. But when I say "better than I expected", I'm not sure what I was expecting. In the end, it was really just porn with some jokes, and better acting than I've seen in most porn. Not that I've seen most porn.

Jesus Camp (2006) - It's been a while since I've seen a documentary where the filmmakers don't insert themselves. It made it extra creepy for me. What's worse, hardcore Christians would see the very same film and take it as support for their side.

Also, hello to those in this movie from Lee's Summit, Missouri whom I may have known when I lived a few miles north of you and your creepy, creepy church. I was attending the church that owned the enormous stadium and the pointed nautilus building, and you're the ones who give me the heebie-jeebies.

Animal House (1978) - Darien told me when this movie started that it was National Lampoon when that meant something. I have since come to believe that National Lampoon never meant anything it doesn't mean now, but that now, it means straight-to-video.

I'm Not There (2007) - Watching this movie is a lot like listening to Bob Dylan's music. It's largely incomprehensible, but you're sure it's saying something. It's beautiful to behold, and you're sure that if you paid close enough attention and enough times, you might understand what it's saying. But like the music of Bob Dylan, once just isn't enough to really understand this garbled gibberish.

Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977) - We are now at the halfway point. The project has become a chore. Do not worry that I skip a day here and there; I still have homework to do. There will be plenty of time on the weekends and after the quarter ends to catch back up.

This movie was a lot of fun. Steven Spielberg is growing on me, and my irrational hatred of Richard Dreyfuss is subsiding.

SUPER SPECIAL EDIT: This marks 100 movies watched for Lent!

The Gold Rush (1925) - Charlie Chaplin is still not funny, but I had to watch this for my film class. What's worse, Netflix labelled this as the 1925 version, and sent me the 1942 re-release with shitty music and narration added. The instructor told me to just watch it with the sound off. I gotta tell you, it greatly improves the watching of Charlie Chaplin when he keeps his damn gob shut.

TRON (1982) - Last year, we downloaded this movie. The file broke thirty-eight minutes in. This year, we went to a big ole theater to see it. The sound cut out a few seconds in. Then they stopped the film. The sound started again without visual. The visual restarted without any of the dialogue playing correctly. Needless to say, it was a fiasco. I seem doomed to be unable to see this movie without catasrophe.

Anyway, I'm glad I saw this movie, and delighted that I saw it in a theater. I would have liked to see it straight through, but such is my curse.

Conan the Barbarian (1982) - I didn't think anything could distract me from the thought that the star of this movie is now a Kennedy by marriage and governor of a huge-ass state. But then I saw James Earl Jones with Bettie Page bangs.

But speaking of movies from 1982, don't forget: TRON at the Cinerama downtown. Noon.

Charlie Wilson's War (2007) - Julia Roberts shouldn't do that to her hair. I can't believe PETA didn't step in when they decided to make a horse a platinum blonde. All the same, it's nice to see the Mr. Ed family doing welll.

American Gangster (2007) - It's alright. Drugs, cops, dirty cops, etcetera. The trouble with "based on a true story" is that rarely actually produces an interesting and original story.

The General (1927) - I am still madly in love with Buster Keaton. I will invent time travel to go back to the 1920s and turn him gay.

Gay Purr-ee (1962) - I wanted a break from all the Oscar-nominated films, and there's a fair chance--even without checking for sure--that this never won any awards. The gay in me really should have loved the voice work of Judy Garland, Robert Goulet and Hermione Gingold, but it was overshadowed by the cursory (at best) awareness of French culture and language. A supposedly French character called a woman "Mon cherie" for fuck's sake!

Lars and the Real Girl (2007) - We had a good discussion about how much Crazy friends and family would tolerate. I am of the opinion that you'd be surprised how much Crazy goes without comment every day.

This movie wasn't... great. It could have been a lot worse. Imagine this premise being handled by, say, Jack Black and/or David Spade.

Atonement (2007) - British films can be challenging to watch, and this was unrelentingly British. Ultimately, I feel I was able to follow the plot and draw college-level-film-analysis ideas out of it.

Oscar-Nominated Films, Live-Action (2007)

• Tanghi Argentini - This film does what a short film must do: end. It made its point--quite nicely--and ended. It was cute, funny, and short.


• Om Natten (In the Night) - Everyone deserves to have a big fuss made about them, I suppose. Everyone ought to make friends with an emotional wealthy person who will ensure that a grand monument is erected upon their death.


• Il Supplente (The Substitute) - I thought I made it pretty clear last year that Italians aren't funny, and neither is flailing around like a jackass. A repeated line is only funny if it's written and delivered in a humorous manner at humorous times. And everyone learns something goddamn important at the end.


• The Tonto Woman - I recognized the name Elmore Leonord in the opening credits, and was sure to receive some mercy after what the previous overlong pieces had done to me. Yes, the characters spoke in a stilted writery kind of way that only exists in short stories, but it was a pretty film with a tangible plot. I want to thank the filmmakers for that.


• Le Mozart des Pickpockets (The Mozart of Pickpockets) - Oh, it's this years Film about Unready Adults Who Find Themselves Suddenly and Hopelessly in Charge of a Child. Fuck you, France. I might expect this sort of thing from Americans, but you, France? Oh, who am I kidding. All the worst sit-com movies are adapted from French shit.

I need a nap.