G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009) - This movie was bad. That is all it deserves to have said about it.

The Last Temptation of Christ (1988) - I was totally watching this movie, and I didn't need other people's interpreteations to understand what teh fuck was goig on. I completely don't intend to watch this again tomorrow to make sense of what happened. I'm wine-sober.

The Orphanage (El orfanato, 2007) - I always hate it when I get to the end of the story an hour ahead of any of the characters. I spend all that time waiting for them to catch the hell up. When ghosts give you a clue, you fucking follow it! You don't spend six months crying and fretting, wondering what this fucking clue is supposed to mean.

Paprika (2006) - I have enough trouble making sense of my own dreams--assuming there's sense to be made of them--without dealing with Japan's bizarre surreal nonsense.

Snakes on a Plane (2006) - An exercise in the many, many ways in which we can attach snakes to people, regardless of their species or natural tendancy to attach themselves to people.

Mildred Pierce (1945) - Anyone who liked Mommie Dearest should see this. It plays almost like a preliminary answer to that. The description the Tivo gave was "A woman makes sacrifices for an ungrateful daughter."

Ushpizin (אושפיזין, 2004) - Netflix calls this a comedy, imdb calls it a drama. I was too wrapped up figuring out the details of the Sukkot traditions to really notice if anything was funny.

Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002) - I have now seen the worst-reviewed movie of all time. You would really think people's careers would be ruined over this, but no. Lucy Liu and Antonio Banderas continue to make movies and tv appearances. Even the director has a movie in the works. There is no justice in the world.

The Exorcist (1973) - Some might call it suspenseful. I call it serious pacing problems. In one scene, the mother (Ellen Burstyn) is on the phone, trying desperately to get through to someone. She shouts at the operator "Don't tell me to be calm! I've been on the line for twenty fucking minutes!" This scene is about twenty minutes into the film. I assume she was trying to get ahold of the plot. About an hour later, it returns her call.

Teen Wolf (1985) - Even taking into account that it was the '80s, the music was terrible. I hope someone had a hard time getting work with this on their résumé. But aside from the music, this movie was well done.

Metropolis (1927) - Darien's going to be mad when he reads this and realizes I watched another good silent movie without him. For those who don't know, it's essentially a prequel to Blade Runner with socialist overtones. I'd never heard the legend of the Tower of Babel told with such a humanist bent.

The Mission (1986) - Yes, I get it. The Europeans were complete bastards for hundreds of years. I didn't recognize De Niro at first, but soon enough, he was playing the same character he always plays.

The Singing Nun (1966) - Okay, I think we're done with the Debbie Reynolds stuff for a bit, but she's 77 today, and one of the cable stations ran a Debbie Reynolds marathon. We got to sing "Happy Birthday" to her onstage the other day. It was pretty cool. </namedrop>

Whose idea was it to make a movie about a one-hit wonder? When can we expect the Toni Basil Story?

Dangerous Liaisons (1988) - I should have been born into fancier, sexier times.

In other news, many people have been asking how the concerts went. They were apparently this good. It seems we have groupies.

Across the Universe (2007) - A few good visuals do not make up for a tedious and tortured story. I renew my protest of the people who idolize the Beatles. Someday, they will die, and we can move on with our lives. And when Evan Rachel Wood talks, all I hear is that muted trombone sound of the adults in the Peanuts cartoons.

The Seven Year Itch (1955) - It takes a genius like Billy Wilder to make a watchable Marilyn Monroe movie. That woman really was a terrible actor, but Wilder somehow made it work.

A Star is Born (1937) - Much more straightforward and accessible than the 1954 remake, and a whole hell of a lot shorter. That's not to say the remake wasn't a good movie, just very, very different... and long.

I actually watched this yesterday, but had to take a break, finish it at 11:30 and then go immediately to bed. The delay was because I had to go out and meet Debbie Fucking Reynolds. She said "tits" a lot.

Steamboat Bill, Jr. (1928) - In case anyone was wondering, I'm still madly in love with Buster Keaton.

What's Up, Doc? (1972) - I appreciate good slapstick comedy--good slapstick, mind you--and I've come to realize how difficult it really is to choreograph and film a good rowdy brawl scene.

Stage Door (1937) - Ginger Rogers and Katharine Hepburn: two halves that, together, do not make a whole comedy duo. Could have used a lot more Hepburn, a little less Ginger Rogers being a trollop.

The Unsinkable Molly Brown (1964) - Historical accuracy be damned, this movie was fun. Let's just pretend it's about a different Molly Brown from Denver.

Tonight, I'll be singing in Edmonds. A week from today, I'll be singing in Seattle with Debbie Reynolds. You should buy tickets and go see that.

Helvetica (2007) - I have no objection to a person being excited about their field of expertise. In fact, I wish I could do what I love and love what I do. But, whatever field I end up in, someone please shoot me if I ever accuse a font of being responsible for the Vietnam War.

Nosferatu (Nosferatu, eine Symphonie des Grauens, 1922) - After the classic "Dracula" by Bram Stoker. Freely adapted by Henrik Galeen.

And when they say "freely adapted," they mean they've taken out anything that made sense about the original or made it interesting.

Insomnia (1997) - I only remember bits and pieces of the remake, which I saw in the theater. It's been maybe five minutes, and I only remember bits and pieces of this movie.

Paint Your Wagon (1969) - We all know what The Simpsons did with this; there's not a soul reading this journal who hasn't seen that parody. But even that parody can't capture how truly terrible this movie was. Consider this Clint Eastwood lovefest over.

Furthermore, buy your tickets here.

Gold Diggers of 1935 (1935) - This is just another flimsy excuse to remind you of the upcoming SMC concert with guest star Debbie Reynolds. Buy your tickets here.

Barry Lyndon (1975) - I once said available lighting was for witches and Lars von Trier. I take it back, since anyone who can film by nothing more than candlelight is okay by me.

Mulholland Dr. (2001) - I'm a big fan of surrealism, but I've never watched a Magritte painting for two hours. This is a new experience for me, and I'm going to need some time to fully process it.

Silkwood (1983) - Meryl Streep is made of magic, and I just saw her left boob. There was also what was essentially a Norma Rae story.

Baby Mama (2008) - A little late for the year of the baby movie, but it was good. I love the works of Tina Fey; does that make me a middle-aged woman or what? I am also excited for Amy Poehler's upcoming series. Let us hope it doesn't suck.

Burn After Reading (2008) - I have read a lot of short stories that make generous use of "fuck," "shit," and the like. This, specifically Brad Pitt's character, is an example of productive, useful use of profanity.

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (1958) - Half the cast is not even American, and not one of them is actually southern, with the possible exception of the uncredited servants. With all those forced southern accents for so long, It'll take all I've got not to talk the same way all day.

Watchmen (2009) - It's nice to know, based on what I've heard, that I needn't bother reading the book, since, as they say, virtually nothing was done to adapt the story aside from point a camera at it and transfer it directly to film. Expect the soundtrack to be available soon as Time-Life's Collection of Tired Hits of the 20th Century.

The Seventh Seal (Det sjunde inseglet, 1957) - Okay, now that Ingmar Bergman has done the chess metaphor, can we all give it a rest?

Notorious (1946) - Ingrid Bergman is a good actor, but Alicia Huberman is a terrible liar. Seriously, the U.S. government ought to hire me to marry communists in fabulous mansions in Rio. I'd be so much better for the job in so many ways.

So I finally got tired of that movie meme where some schmo writes up a list of movies that are, for some reason, his definitive list. Noticing nothing on the list from earlier than 1971, I figured I'd do the meme with the closest thing I can find to an objective list. So here is that meme, based on the AFI's 100 years... 100 movies ( 2007 edition )

Funny Face (1957) - I hate to say anything bad about Audrey Hepburn, so I'll phrase this positively: she looked her best before they made her over, and her best singing was in My Fair Lady. And speaking of singing, Mamma Mia! had more natural transitions into musical numbers.

Also speaking of singing, the Seattle Men's Chorus has a show coming up. Singing... in the Rain, with guest star Debbie Fucking Reynolds!

Lent will end this year on Saturday, April 11. As is traditional, I will watch my fortieth film that night, ending at midnight. You are all invited to join me for wine, bread, and probably pizza. (Also, please plan to bring a bottle of wine with you and/or a couple bucks for pizza.)

There is simply the matter of which film to watch. I have gathered the five movies from last year's poll that got votes but were not selected. Please help me ( make up my mind. )

Gran Torino (2008) - I swear this isn't turning into a Clint Eastwood festival or anything, but I think I'm in love with that gravelly old man. I just need him not to sing. Ever. It's going to give me nightmares, just because I watched the closing credits.