Cacoethes Scribendi

Happy America, Everybody!

2008-07-04T08:20:44Z

Reviews

2008-06-01T03:17:40Z

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008) - I would suggest that we let this series die now. Of course, I realize that no film producer worth his salt would let a successful franchise die, especially when you've got Shia "The Beef" lined up to fill in for your desiccated celebrity. Here's a compromise: make one more movie, but in it, Harrison Ford must be the one who crumbles away to dust.

Reviews of Nonsense

2008-05-26T07:33:31Z

Fantastic Parasuicides (2007) -
"Hanging Tough" - Seriously, South Korea,
"Fly Away, Chicken" - what the fucking
"Happy Birthday" - helling hell?

Must remember to check back later for a proper imdb link. Not that koreanmovie.com isn't a valid source, nor that I would consider myself racist, but after what I've seen, I just don't know what to think of Korea. I suspect I'll forget most of what I saw until one day, some art-house hipster makes me watch it. Then, it'll all come together and make sense upon a second viewing.

Reviews of the Lenterim

2008-05-19T02:24:17Z

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian - A single drop of Adam's blood, and not one drop more! I'm willing to suspend my disbelief for a talking mouse with a sword, but when said mouse slashes said sword across your throat, there ought to be some blood. Rightfully, that mouse's biggest problem at the end should have been that he was so caked with others' blood that he couldn't move. I will compromise: I'll lower my expectations of blood to a simple puddle of blood here and there if you will grant me that living creatures actually have something running in their veins.

And I wonder: in a world where animals talk and trees are sentient, and said creatures are allies of the humans, why would anything ever be made of wood or leather? Even if they alllow their stock to die of natural causes before working it into clothing and tools, it's got to be socially awkward. For the record, I never want to attend a party and find that the divan is made of my grandmother.

Reviews of Brevity

2008-05-04T02:37:00Z

Iron Man (2008) - When I see Jeff Bridges in a technological-wonderland movie, I expect to see him glow at the seams, if just once. I also would have accepted a light-cycle race or an exclamation of "Oh, my user!"

Anyway, I'm over it. Despite that one deficiency, this was a very good movie. I'm not a comic book guy, I'm not much for action movies, but this one was good. The plot was a little plodding, but it served an important purpose: to develop characters and let the actors act a bit. You hear me, The Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, get some actors!

Reviews of Brevity

2008-04-22T22:53:49Z

Sordid Lives (2000) - I'm sure this worked as a stage play. I'm sure it would have worked as a film with a budget and a severe rewrite. The actors (though not all of them) were all that was salvageable in this film. I don't know if there's an illegal way to make a movie in the US, but if there were, Del Shores would probably be burned at the stake. Available lighting is for witches and Lars von Trier.

Reviews of Brevity

2008-04-18T05:07:18Z

Volver (2006) - The ending of this movie was pretty predictable. The fun came in the unpredictable shifts in genre: first a buddy/chick flick, then a supernatural thriller without the thrills, then a European art film, a chick flick again, and finally a Scooby Doo Mystery.

What shall we call this? The Lenterim? The Inter-Lentiary Period?

2008-04-10T21:37:06Z

Maurice (1987) - Over two hours of dry, English, gay lovin'. It's as exhausting and uncomfortable as it sounds. At least it wasn't the usual gay movie fare; no wonder it was the only gay-interest movie Netflix was willing to recommend to me.

Reviews of Brevity

2008-04-02T05:34:41Z

Unknown White Male (2005) - That guy sure was lucky he turned out to be wealthy. His later apathy seems to me a product of that affluence. It must be nice to be completely--and I mean completely--independent.

Lent: Part 40

2008-03-23T08:17:48Z

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001) - A competent and hilarious spoof of the grindhouse genre. Better even than Deathproof. But of course, a kick in the balls is better than Deathproof.

New Lent rule! After every Lent party someone must get arrested. Do not take this as advocating criminal behavior. Take it only as saying it'd be pretty awesome if all the Lent parties could be that fun.

Lent: Part 39

2008-03-21T21:00:27Z

Summer Stock (1950) - After my poor review of Gay Purr-ee, I was on gay probation. I had to watch this to restore my credentials. This, it turns out, is one of those quintessential gay ol' musicals, as if you didn't know. My favorite song was "Dig-Dig-Dig Dig For Your Dinner" in which a troupe of actors sing and dance about how actors should do something productive for society instead of just singing and dancing.

There will be spillover after Lent, of course. I still have a Netflix account, and by no means will I stop watching movies. So be sure to stay tuned (or however it is you operate this word machine) after Lent. I might even have something entirely original to say.

Lent: Part 38

2008-03-21T07:09:32Z

The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951) - Ha ha ha ha ha! Choke on that, Earth! You guys are dicks! Gort, Klaatu barata nikto, baby!

Lent: Part 37

2008-03-20T06:57:41Z

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (Das Cabinet des Dr. Caligari, 1920) - Now that's how you make weird, German film. Today's weird, German filmmakers just don't understand this weird, lost art.

Lent: Part 36

2008-03-19T04:47:31Z

The Conversation (1974) - If I'm ever again going to watch a movie so dependant on sound, it'd be nice to have some relative silence. But no, that neighbor dog will never goddamn shut the fuck up. Anyway, I had the ending of this ruined for me by the text book from my film class, but it was still worth watching.

Lent: Part 35

2008-03-18T22:48:56Z

Sunset Blvd. (1950) - I can't decide if the dialogue is especially clever or among the worst crap ever. The voice-over, though one of the most famous things from this picture, was completely unnecessary. Especially after a certain point where the story had been set up already, I found myself wishing the narrator would just shut the hell up and let the action onscreen speak for itself. On the other hand, this could be a clever technique demonstrating what a hack the writer character is, and comparing the modern talkies with the old silent films. Norma Desmond even says there's too much dialogue in movies today, and this one is determined to make me agree with her.

And speaking of hack writers who stumble upon eccentric older women who dote upon them, I'm going to be published for the first time ever. Well, I suppose this journal is a form of publication, but what I mean is that for the first time, someone read my stuff and said to me, "I want to pay a printer to print that and bind it in a paper thingy." It's only the literary magazine at a community college, but they insist that they're a respectable publication, and I choose to believe that. I'll post a link to the story once it's up.

Lent: Part 34

2008-03-17T22:57:14Z

Persepolis (2007) - It is a rare biography that I actually enjoy. This is one of them.

Lent: Part 33

2008-03-17T06:29:39Z

Om Shanti Om (2007) - An orignal love story with classic themes of destiny and justice. I'd like to see this in English, or at least with better subtitles. I'm not sure if it would work well as an American production, so let's hope no one ever adapts it. See the original, it's worth it.

Lent: Part 32

2008-03-17T03:07:32Z

Horton Hears a Who! (2008) - I didn't expect much from this movie. The last Seuss adaptation I saw was unimpressive, as have been most of the Jim Carrey movies I've seen. And when on the billboards, the stars' names are as big as or bigger than the actual title of the movie, it's a bad sign. I'm totally with Billy West in decrying this trend of big-ticket celebrity voices when a regular voice actor could do a great job for much less money. Hell, most experienced voice actors can voice several characters, saving you even more money.

But while this movie could have saved a lot of trouble, the cast they did have was adequate. Not great, but what can you do? The script stays pretty much on-point with minimal plot fluffing, but with disturbing undertones of religious zealotry and without taking a clear side for or against it.

Lent: Part 31

2008-03-15T20:48:47Z

The Killing Fields (1984) - I'm pretty sure I've reviewed a horrors-of-war movie before. Just insert that review here.

Watch this one if you want to see Sam Waterston before he became a wobbly-headed old D.A., Craig T. Nelson before he became a nobody again, and John Malkovich before he became- well, I guess John Malkovich was always like that.

Lent: Part 30

2008-03-08T05:56:01Z

Eastern Promises (2007) - Yes, I did get to see Viggo Mortensen naked, but he was being stabbed. I think I can manage to find nude celebrities who aren't covered in blood.

Lent: Part 29

2008-03-08T01:58:03Z

Planet of the Apes (1968) - I have found evidence in the Forbidden Zone which suggests Charlton Heston once made a film that supported fairly progressive ideas. You must believe me, he wasn't always entirely insane.

Lent: Part 28

2008-03-07T02:01:22Z

Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea (1961) - So, let me see if I can understand the premise. The Van Allen Belt, a ring of unknown gas around the Earth, catches fire, and the only way to fix it is to take a submarine to the Mariana Trench and fire a missile up in order to overload the Van Allen Belt and explode it outward. I got that right, right?

I'm gonna save you all some trouble. Joan Fontaine gets a fatal dose of radiation, is revealed as the saboteur, and is eaten by a shark all in a thirty-second span.

Lent: Part 27

2008-03-05T04:22:19Z

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004) - Just before I watched this movie, I finished reading the textbook for my film class. After everything I've learned about the production of film, all I can say about this is that it's certainly not meant to be watched sober, which I completely am.

Lent: Part 26

2008-03-04T00:54:38Z

In the Valley of Elah (2007) - Paul Haggis has yet to employ subtlety. Watching the works of Paul Haggis is like being run over with a steam roller because someone thought you could stand to be a little flatter.

Lent: Part 25

2008-03-03T08:09:01Z

The Thin Blue Line (1988) - Note to self: Don't go to Texas. Don't pick up a stranger on the road. Don't talk to unstable sixteen-year-olds. Don't associate with future murderers. Stay the hell out of Texas.